Your Parenting with Trauma Questions, Answered
If you were never taught to name your feelings…
If your tears were met with silence or shame…
If you grew up learning to “calm down” meant shove it all inside and smile nicely—
Then this question might ache a little in your chest:
“How can I teach my child emotional regulation… when I’m still figuring it out myself?”
Let me tell you this — with all the love and zero fluff:
The fact that you’re even asking means you already are.
Because awareness is step one. And most of us were raised without even that.
1. Emotional Regulation Is a Learned Skill
Let’s just say it upfront:
If no one ever showed you how to feel your feelings without shame, freeze, or fear—of course you’re still learning how to regulate.
Most of us didn’t grow up in homes where emotions were named, welcomed, or handled with care.
It wasn’t always that emotions were wrong
—
They were just too much for the adults around us.
Maybe sadness made them uncomfortable.
Maybe anger was punished.
Maybe joy had to be quiet.
So we adapted. We stuffed it down. Smiled when we wanted to scream. Made ourselves small to keep the peace.
And now?
We’re parenting little humans who cry at toothpaste being the wrong colour and scream like banshees over broken crackers—while our nervous system’s screaming “run, hide, fix, shut it down!”
It’s a lot.
But here’s the truth that changed everything for me:
Emotional regulation isn’t something you either “have” or “don’t.” It’s a skill. A muscle. One you can build over time.
Even now.
Even in your forties.
Even while your child’s melting down in aisle 7.
And here’s the twist:
When you’re parenting with intergenerational trauma, the timeline looks different.
You’re not teaching from a place of mastery.
You’re learning right alongside your child—sometimes one breath ahead, sometimes side by side, sometimes in tears together.
That’s not failing.
That’s brave, messy leadership.
That’s showing your child that growth is allowed in this house. That becoming is celebrated.
You’re not late to the game.
You’re exactly where the healing begins.
2. You Learn by Modelling Imperfectly
Here’s the truth that takes a lot of pressure off (and might ruffle your inner perfectionist):
Your child doesn’t need you to be perfectly regulated.
They need you to be real.
They need a parent who’s self-aware — who can notice what’s happening inside and respond with as much honesty and gentleness as possible.
That’s it.
Not flawless. Just aware and willing.
You don’t need to “fix” every emotion or perform calm like some kind of emotional robot.
You just need to name your own experience as it’s happening.
Try this:
🗣 “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to take a deep breath.”
That one sentence? It teaches more than an entire workbook on emotional literacy.
It shows your child:
– Feelings are normal
– Adults have them too
– We can take care of ourselves when big emotions show up
Even if your voice is shaky.
Even if the breath doesn’t “work.”
Even if you said something sharp two minutes ago.
Because here’s the magic: modelling repair teaches more than modelling calm ever could.
When you come back and say:
“I lost my temper earlier. That must’ve felt scary. I’m sorry. I’m still learning how to take care of my big feelings, and I love you so much.”
—
your child learns that mistakes don’t end connection.
That love and accountability can live in the same breath.
That it’s okay to be human and still be safe.
And really?
That’s the kind of emotional fluency most of us never got.
Which is why it’s so powerful that we’re giving it now—imperfectly, yes. But wholeheartedly.
3. Teach Through Co-Regulation
You don’t need a Pinterest chart or a PhD in child psychology to teach emotional regulation.
You just need your nervous system.
Because here’s the truth:
Your calm becomes their calm.
This is what we call co-regulation—the beautiful, invisible dance where your child learns how to feel safe, not through words, but through your presence.
Our children’s nervous systems are still developing.
So when they’re having a meltdown, they can’t just “calm down” because we say so.
They need to borrow our nervous system—our breath, our energy, our groundedness—until they can find their own.
Now, before you panic and think “What calm? I haven’t felt calm since 2009,”
remember: it’s not about being Zen all the time.
It’s about being aware enough to choose connection, even when everything feels frayed.
Let me tell you about a time with my daughter Milla…
She was around five, and she was having a full-on emotional hurricane because we didn’t have her sparkly tights clean. (You know the ones. Essential to life.)
Old me would’ve panicked or snapped. But this time, I knelt down beside her. I placed my hand gently on my heart—and then hers. I slowed my breathing. I didn’t talk much. I just sat with her in it.
And slowly, like magic (but actually neuroscience), her breathing started to match mine.
The storm softened. She leaned in.
That’s co-regulation.
Not fixing.
Not distracting.
Just being with.
Here are a few tools I return to again and again:
✨ Gentle touch
Place your hand on your child’s heart—or yours. A silent signal: You’re not alone.
✨ Eye contact + slow breath
Look into their eyes, soften your gaze, and exhale slowly. No need to coach them. Just become the breath they can sync with.
✨ Sit beside them, not over them
Physically lowering your body shifts the power dynamic. It says, I’m with you, not against you.
These small choices, repeated often, create emotional safety.
Not just in the moment—but in the wiring of your child’s brain.
And what’s more:
Every time you co-regulate, you’re reparenting yourself too.
You’re showing your inner child that you no longer have to go through hard feelings alone.
4. Scripts and Simple Phrases That Help
Let’s be honest—when emotions are flying, it can be hard to string a calm sentence together, let alone something wise and therapeutic.
But having a few simple, repeatable phrases ready in your back pocket can change everything.
Because words matter.
Not just for your child—but for you.
They ground you. They orient the moment.
And they offer structure in the chaos—without shutting the emotion down.
These aren’t scripts to sound “perfect.”
They’re anchors.
Words you can say even when you’re shaky, to remind both of you that feelings are safe to feel.
Here are a few I use regularly—sometimes through clenched teeth, sometimes through tears, always with love:
🗣 “All your feelings are okay. Some actions aren’t.”
This one is gold. It separates emotion from behaviour.
It says, “You’re allowed to feel rage, sadness, frustration—but no, you can’t hit me with the wooden spoon.”
🗣 “Let’s name what you’re feeling so we can make space for it.”
Emotions shrink when they’re named.
This phrase invites your child into awareness, without judgement.
It’s not “Stop crying,” it’s “Let’s get curious together.”
(Also works well on your inner child, by the way.)
🗣 “We’re learning how to calm down together. It’s okay if it’s messy.”
This one is pure cycle-breaking energy.
You’re not the all-knowing adult on a mountaintop.
You’re in the work with them. Side by side. Human to human.
And that? That’s how trust is built.
You don’t need to say the “perfect” thing in every moment.
You just need to be present enough to offer safety through your words.
And when you mess up (which you will), your words can also help with repair.
It’s not the script that matters most.
It’s the intention behind it—I see you. I hear you. I’m with you.
That’s the language of healing.
5. This Is Not About Doing It Right—It’s About Doing It With Love
Here’s something I wish someone had told me at the very beginning:
You don’t need to get it right to get it real.
When we’re parenting with trauma, it’s easy to fall into the trap of overcorrecting—trying to control every emotion, every reaction, every interaction so we never repeat the mistakes made with us.
We become hyperaware. Hyper-responsible. Exhausted.
But emotional regulation isn’t a performance.
It’s not a badge of honour for how “calm” you can stay when your child throws a snack at your head.
It’s about connection.
It’s about love in action—messy, vulnerable, sometimes-we-cry-in-the-bathroom love.
Your child doesn’t need you to be a gentle parenting expert.
They need you to be with them. In the hard stuff. With honesty, softness, and the humility to say,
“I’m still learning this too.”
That’s enough.
So let go of the checklist.
Let go of the fantasy where you become a perfectly emotionally regulated monk who never raises an eyebrow.
Instead, ask:
✨ Did I try to stay present today?
✨ Did I model one small moment of emotional truth?
✨ Did I repair when I missed the mark?
If yes, then you’re doing the sacred work.
The kind your child will carry forward—into their own relationships, their own parenting, their own sense of self.
We’re not here to raise perfect children.
We’re here to raise aware, connected, emotionally alive humans.
And the only way to do that is to become one ourselves—slowly, gently, over time.
With love. With grace.
And definitely with a few tea-stained parenting books scattered across the sofa.
6. You’re Not Behind. You’re Breaking Cycles
If you’re learning emotional regulation while parenting…
If you’re naming your feelings for the first time in your 30s or 40s…
If your voice shakes when you try to say “I’m angry, but I still love you”
—
You’re not behind.
You’re doing generational healing work in real time.
You’re breaking cycles without a map.
You’re showing your child what it looks like to feel hard things and still stay in relationship.
You’re learning to become the safe space you never had.
And that? That’s revolutionary.
It’s okay if you’re figuring it out as you go.
It’s okay if your emotional literacy is still in toddlerhood while you’re raising actual toddlers.
What matters is that you’re showing up.
Again. And again. And again.
And every time you do, you plant a seed in your child that says:
“Emotions are safe. Love doesn’t leave. We can get through hard things together.”
That’s your legacy.
That’s your magic.
That’s enough.
Gentle Journal Prompt
Take a quiet moment this week and ask yourself:
🖋 What did I learn about emotions growing up?
🖋 And what do I hope my child learns instead?
Let that guide your next moment of connection.
It doesn’t need to be big. It just needs to be real.
💛 You’re Not Behind. You’re Breaking Cycles.
The work you’re doing—right now, in the thick of it—is what stops the silence from continuing.
You’re not behind.
You’re not failing.
You’re breaking patterns, asking different questions, and creating safety where there once was shame.
That’s revolutionary.
💬 Want More Support?
Beyond Healing was written for cycle-breaking parents like you.
Not perfect parents—just courageous ones.
The ones who didn’t get the blueprint but showed up anyway.
The ones who are learning, unlearning, and loving at the same time.
You don’t need to have it all figured out to begin.
You just need to stay curious, compassionate, and willing to try again.
Because the work you’re doing matters.
Even when it’s messy.
Especially then.
👉 Learn more tools and trauma-informed support inside the book. Grab your copy here: []
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