Your Parenting with Trauma Questions, Answered
“I hate that I shouted… again.”
If you’ve ever whispered this to yourself in the messy, quiet aftermath of a hard parenting moment—please know this: you are not alone.
This is one of the most vulnerable questions I receive, time and time again:
“How do I stop yelling when I’m triggered?”
And here’s the truth I’ve had to learn the hard way:
Healing isn’t about being perfect.
It’s about noticing, pausing, and gently choosing again—even after we mess up.
🔹 Why Yelling Happens
I used to believe that yelling meant I was failing.
That if I truly loved my kids, I’d always respond with patience.
That a “good mum” wouldn’t lose her temper.
But what I’ve come to understand is this:
Yelling doesn’t mean I don’t love my children.
It means I’ve hit the edge of my capacity.
It means I’m dysregulated.
It means my nervous system is in survival mode.
Our brains are wired to protect us.
And when you carry trauma—whether it’s the loud kind or the quiet, unseen kind—your system stays on high alert.
Every whine, every mess, every slammed door might not seem like a threat logically…
But your body? It remembers.
Sometimes it reacts to your child’s tears or defiance as if you’re back in a moment where you had no voice.
No choice.
No safety.
That’s what I call the invisible backpack in Beyond Healing—the stories, beliefs, and unprocessed pain we carry into our parenting, often without realising it.
It’s like having an alarm system inside you that gets tripped again and again, even when there’s no real danger.
And here’s what makes it even harder:
If you’re parenting with PTSD or a trauma history, your window of tolerance is likely narrower than you wish it were.
You’re more easily overwhelmed.
More easily triggered.
Not because you’re weak—but because your body has been through a lot.
So no—yelling doesn’t make you a bad parent.
It makes you a parent whose nervous system is calling out for care.
For grounding.
For healing.
And the more we understand that,
the more we can begin to offer ourselves the compassion we were never taught to give.
🔹 Start With Awareness, Not Shame
The truth is, you can’t change what you don’t first notice.
And most of us were raised to ignore ourselves.
To suppress. To push through. To keep going.
So when we do explode—when the yell escapes, sharp and fast—we often don’t even realise we were on the edge.
That’s why awareness is everything.
Not in a judgmental, “What’s wrong with me?” kind of way—
but in a curious, compassionate “What’s happening inside me right now?” way.
Start gently.
Begin by tuning into your body like you would a child you love.
Ask:
– Where am I holding tension?
– Is my jaw tight? Are my fists clenched? Is my breath shallow?
– What emotion is sitting underneath my irritation?
Sometimes it’s fear.
Sometimes it’s grief.
Sometimes it’s the invisible weight of trying to hold everything together.
This isn’t about avoiding the yell with perfect self-control.
It’s about noticing when you’re moving toward that edge, so you can pause… or soften… or step away, if needed.
Even one breath between trigger and reaction is progress.
Even one moment of noticing, “I’m overwhelmed,” creates space.
And space gives us choice.
This is how we begin to rewrite our story.
Not by being perfect—
but by being present enough to choose something different,
even if it’s just one second at a time.
🔹 The R-R-R Framework: Recognise, Regulate, Repair
In Beyond Healing, I share a simple framework that’s helped me time and time again—especially on the days when I feel like I’m drowning in big emotions (mine and my children’s).
It’s not a perfect system.
But it’s a lifeline.
A way to climb out of those moments when I feel hijacked by my nervous system and dragged into old patterns.
I call it the R-R-R Framework:
Recognise. Regulate. Repair.
✴️ 1. Recognise – “I’m dysregulated right now.”
This is the moment of naming.
It’s when you feel that knot in your stomach or heat rising in your chest and you simply say to yourself,
“I’m overwhelmed.”
“I’m slipping into fight-or-flight.”
“I’m not okay right now—and that’s okay.”
There is such power in recognition.
It turns the light on in the dark room.
It gives you a split second of choice instead of being swept away by reaction.
✴️ 2. Regulate – “I need to come back to my body.”
This is where we pause.
Not to run away, but to reclaim ourselves.
It might be placing a hand on your chest and breathing into that space.
It might be splashing cold water on your face, or stepping outside for 30 seconds to feel the air on your skin.
It might be humming. Moving. Pressing your feet into the ground.
Regulation is about helping your body remember:
I am safe now.
This is not then.
I don’t have to react like I did back when I had no support.
We can’t teach our children emotional regulation if we’re abandoning our own.
✴️ 3. Repair – “I messed up—and I can make it right.”
This is the sacred part.
Because no matter how much inner work we’ve done… we will still get it wrong sometimes.
We will still shout.
Still shut down.
Still say the thing we regret.
But repair is where the healing happens.
It’s in returning to your child, kneeling to their eye level, and saying:
“I shouted earlier, and that must have felt scary. I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. I was overwhelmed, and I’m learning how to handle those big feelings better.”
You don’t have to say it perfectly.
You just have to mean it.
Because every time you repair, you teach your child:
– that rupture isn’t the end of connection
– that love can stretch, bend, and come back
– that they are safe even when things get messy
And you teach yourself something, too:
That you are allowed to begin again.
🔹 A Gentle Toolbox for the Hard Moments
Because let’s be honest—some days just hit different.
The noise, the need, the mess, the repetition—
when you’re parenting with a trauma history, it’s not just exhausting…
it’s activating.
And when we’re activated, we need more than just good intentions.
We need tools.
Simple ones. Gentle ones. The kind that meet us exactly where we are—without shame or pressure.
Here’s a little toolbox I come back to when I feel myself spiralling.
Not to fix everything—
but to slow the spiral.
To offer my nervous system a new script.
To choose regulation over reaction.
✴️ 1. Grounding Strategies (Quick + Doable)
These are small sensory actions to bring your awareness back to your body—right here, right now.
💠 5-4-3-2-1 Method:
Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste.
💠 Cold Water Reset:
Splash cold water on your face or hold something cool in your hands. It cues your system to come out of fight-or-flight.
💠 Anchor Object:
Keep a stone, bracelet, or pendant you can hold. Something that says, “You’re safe now.”
✴️ 2. Breath Work or Movement
When you feel stuck or frozen, the body needs a gentle shift.
💠 Box Breathing (4-4-4-4):
Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Repeat a few rounds. It calms the stress response beautifully.
💠 Shake It Out:
Literally shake your hands, arms, legs, like you’re releasing tension. You might feel silly—do it anyway. Your body will thank you.
💠 Micro-Stretches:
Roll your shoulders. Tilt your neck side to side. Swing your arms gently. Movement tells your system it doesn’t need to stay in threat mode.
✴️ 3. The Power of the Pause
Even 3 seconds of conscious pause can interrupt an automatic reaction.
You don’t need to have a whole plan—
You just need a breath. A moment. A space between trigger and response.
Try this whisper:
“I’m pausing because I care. I’m choosing to respond, not react.”
Even if you still get it wrong after the pause…
you’ve made space for change. And that matters.
✴️ Grounding Touch
When I feel heat rising or panic bubbling up,
I place my hand on my heart or thighs, press down gently, and breathe into that space.
It’s a silent way of telling my body,
“I’m here. I’ve got you. You’re not alone anymore.”
✴️ Saying It Out Loud
Sometimes I say,
“I’m overwhelmed right now. I need a moment.”
That sentence is gold.
It gives my children clarity, not confusion.
It shows them that adults get big feelings, too—and we can model how to handle them with honesty and care.
✴️ 4. Create Reset Rituals
Sometimes, the most healing thing you can do is walk away.
Not out of disconnection, but out of devotion to staying safe—for both of you.
Here’s a phrase I use often in my home:
“I’m overwhelmed. I need a moment to calm my body.”
That’s not abandonment.
That’s co-regulation in action.
That’s modelling boundaries.
You can even create a “Reset Basket” with calming items—lavender oil, a grounding object, a soft cloth, a journal, anything that feels like an anchor.
Your rituals don’t need to be fancy.
They just need to feel real.
This toolbox is not about controlling your child.
It’s about calming your nervous system, so you can meet your child from a place of connection, not survival.
Tiny tools. Big shifts.
This is what healing in real time looks like.
🔹 The Real Work: Healing, Not Just Managing
For a long time, I thought I just needed better strategies.
More patience.
More self-control.
More willpower.
I thought if I could just try harder, I’d stop yelling.
But the truth?
We don’t yell less because we become better parents.
We yell less because we feel safer inside ourselves.
And that shift didn’t come from a podcast or a parenting hack—
it came from healing.
It came from therapy sessions where I finally said out loud the things I’d buried since childhood.
From body-based practices that helped me notice where I held tension, shame, fear.
From slowly, painfully, rewriting the old story that I had to be perfect to be loved.
From making peace with the parts of me I used to hide.
And that healing work didn’t just change me—
it changed how I showed up in the most chaotic moments.
It gave me a pause where there used to be panic.
It gave me presence where there used to be reactivity.
Not always.
Not flawlessly.
But often enough that my children now say things like,
“Mummy, you’re calmer now.”
And that’s everything.
You can collect all the parenting tips in the world…
but if your nervous system still feels under threat,
if your inner child still believes they have to shout to be heard,
you’ll keep looping in survival.
So no—you don’t need to try harder.
You need to feel safer.
Held. Seen. Supported.
That’s the real work.
And it’s the most sacred thing you’ll ever do—not just for your children, but for yourself.
🔹 You’re Not a Bad Parent—You’re a Parent Who’s Healing
Let me say this clearly, just in case no one has told you today:
You are not a bad parent.
You are not failing because you lose your temper sometimes.
You are not broken because your trauma still shows up in your parenting.
You are a parent who is healing while raising a human being.
And that is no small thing.
You are doing the work your parents maybe never had the tools—or support—to do.
You are noticing what hurts, questioning what’s been passed down, and choosing a new way—again and again.
That matters.
Even when it’s messy.
Even when you yell.
Even when you have to repair five times in one day.
Your awareness is part of your healing.
Your willingness to begin again is part of your legacy.
Your softness—especially after rupture—is how cycles are broken.
This isn’t about becoming a gentle parenting goddess who never raises her voice.
This is about becoming someone who can hold their child’s emotions without abandoning their own.
That’s what Beyond Healing is about.
Not perfection.
But presence.
Not performance.
But courage.
💛 From My Heart to Yours…
If this post stirred something in you… if you’ve seen yourself in these words…
please know: you’re not alone on this path.
I wrote Beyond Healing for us—for the ones doing the deep, unseen, generational work of becoming safer, softer, more conscious parents than we ever had.
It’s okay if you’re still figuring it out.
So am I.
👉 Ready to keep walking this path together?
Grab your copy of Beyond Healing [http://amzn.eu/d/7czDez6]
and let’s keep rewriting the story—one repair, one breath, one brave pause at a time.
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